The Rainbow Maker's Tale Page 2

  Turning away, I glared at the un-started question blinking insistently on my monitor. Beneath were the several lines of nonsense I had typed in my hurry to appear like a normal human being when Cassie caught me gazing around. Very normal, I observed dryly as I deleted the text, tapping the backspace key harder than necessary in my annoyance.

  Another loud sigh escaped my lips as I resigned myself to the task at hand. Despite my earlier confidence, I knew that – at a minimum – I had to pass this exam to graduate onto the sequence of placements that would determine my long-term role on the station. The subject of History itself was not the problem; my interpretation of past events in my current frame of mind was the bigger issue. I supposed that part could not be helped: I pretty much lived in this frame of mind.

  The decline of human civilisation on Earth…

  We still existed! Why were they always asking us to look to the past and not what lay ahead? Why did we not learn about what our future might hold, beyond the stifling walls of the Family Quarter – perhaps even beyond the walls of the Space Station Hope itself? I shook my head, dismissing my own questions. It was not the time or place for answering those.

  My hand hovered uncertainly over the keyboard, debating whether to strap on the auto-discourse headset or to actually use the more antiquated equipment in front of me. In the end, I decided I needed a bit of space for my thoughts and that might be better achieved with the keyboard. Pulling the lightweight panel towards me and settling myself properly into the chair, I leaned back and began to answer the last question of my final exam.

  Chapter 2

  I was re-reading my answer – perhaps diatribe was a more accurate description – on the reaction of the human race to climate change and global upheaval. My essay definitely had a bias towards the surveillance states and population control that had developed in response to global warming. It was not a positive picture of humanity and I wondered how much my recent irritations with life on the station had influenced this. Or, how much the behaviour of our ancestors was the source of my frustrations with life on the station. It was open for debate either way.

  “Testing period ends in five minutes.”

  I did not look up to acknowledge the familiar electronic voice when it made the announcement. The room was quiet now: only Cassie and myself had been using the manual input systems, and been given the extension to the normal examination period. Our classmates had all left twenty-five minutes ago.

  Finished with my own review, I turned my attention away from the screen. There was nothing else in the empty room to focus on and so I absent-mindedly watched Cassie as she skimmed through her answer. She paused every now and again to make a correction.

  Cassie had just flopped backwards in her seat, stretching out her arms and shoulders as though she were particularly stiff, when our screens closed down and the exam ended with another announcement from the speakers. For a few seconds I remained in place, before realising that Cassie did not appear to be in any hurry to get up. I wasn’t about to change the habit of a lifetime and start being chatty, so decided I may as well get out of there.

  Hastily shoving my chair away from the desk, a piercing screech tore through the silent room and I cringed internally. How loud? Unsurprisingly, my lone companion was shocked by the noise and jerked around in her seat to stare at me. I had already moved quickly – motivated by embarrassment – and was by the door when it occurred to me to apologise for startling her.

  “Sorry,” I muttered as quietly as I could, whilst still allowing Cassie to hear me. My voice carried easily in the otherwise soundless room, although the silence following my apology seemed loud by comparison.

  I busied myself with gathering up my possessions as a distraction, hoping to escape as speedily as possible. It took me a few seconds to realise that Cassie was actually talking to me, not allowing me to be invisible as I normally was.

  What was she saying?

  “…forgotten I wasn’t alone in here…brain is half-asleep…”

  Only half-hearing Cassie’s words I thought it sounded like she was apologising to me. What would she be apologising for? That can’t be right, I must have misunderstood what she’d said.

  Looking up, in an attempt to work out what she was saying, I saw that Cassie was standing beside her desk now. She waved her arm towards her viewing screen, but she’d stopped speaking – I had no idea what she had said.

  What did that mean? I was more confused than ever. Feeling rather lost, I opted for a non-committal nod, which would hopefully not mean anything stupid or offensive.

  I was wrong – whatever she had taken it to mean – my nod was not favourably received. Cassie’s eyes narrowed slightly, as though I had irritated her, although I couldn’t see why such a simple action as a shrug would have that effect. Her expression changed swiftly once more and I saw she was trying to disguise her initial annoyance.

  Cassie was the one person I would have a reason to talk to and this was not how I would have wanted the conversation to go. I opened my mouth with the intention of apologising again. Maybe even admitting that I hadn’t actually heard what she’d said in the first place, if it made things better. It was already too late. Cassie’s eyes had drifted away from me to focus on the floor instead and she began making her way towards the door.

  Surely I could work out how to say a couple of sentences to a random girl in my class? It wasn’t exactly rocket science! I wished it was, because I was darn good at astro-engineering. Fidgeting nervously with the strap on my shoulder bag – trying to make it exactly straight across my body – I debated saying something else, but the words stuck in my throat and so the silence remained. I was so out of practice interacting with other people.

  Stop squirming! I was frustrated with myself now. At the silent command my hands dropped uselessly to my sides. I was about to leave the room when I noticed Cassie’s school sack sitting on the floor beside my foot and spotted an opportunity. Swooping down, I slid my hand fluidly through the arm loops on the bag, lifting it quietly from the ground. This might be a chance to make amends for whatever offence I had caused a few moments earlier.

  “Here you go,” I said as politely as I could, trying to convey my courteous intentions as I held out the bag towards Cassie.

  She looked up – appearing surprised by me again, but perhaps more positively this time? Her eyes flickered to mine and held my gaze.

  It was the first time we had ever stood so close together, and I was near enough now to see the green irises of her eyes spark as they conveyed disbelief…then gratitude…softening to something else I couldn’t translate. I hadn’t seen the expression before, on Cassie’s face, or anyone else’s for that matter – my lack of understanding being a by-product of my lonely existence.

  “Oh!” Cassie exclaimed, her eyes flashing once more. “I mean – er – thanks!”

  We waited a second or so in silence. Cassie appeared a little nervous herself now and took her time making up her mind what to do next, before she reached out and took the bag I was still holding for her. She swung the strap onto her shoulder so quickly it almost smashed into the viewing screen next to her. I nearly laughed aloud as her expression rapidly registered shock, then embarrassment – dropping her eyes from mine – before she regained control of her features. My mouth twitched into a half-smile that I was unable to disguise by the time she looked back at me and for once – feeling bold and brave – I didn’t look away, but met the full force of her inquisitive eyes.

  Cassie was an interesting person to read. Her features remained largely still with only minute movements and changes to her eyes indicating what she was thinking, or perhaps feeling. I was already aware of her expressive eyes, but was surprised by how much more I could read in them now that she was standing a mere arm’s length away. She opened her mouth once, preparing to say something before she seemed to change her mind. My mouth twitched into a wider smile as I waited for whatever it was she wanted to say; I was quite enjoying the effect m
y presence seemed to be having on her. It was…new.

  Only a few short moments passed, but I was aware of her gaze roaming curiously across my face, meeting my own eyes fleetingly, before darting away. “Thanks,” I heard her mutter once more. It was less than I expected after such a long silence and I struggled to interpret how her words connected with the changes in her expression. I had no time to dwell on this as Cassie reached past me to activate the door panel, a clear indication that she wanted to get away.

  No.

  I was taken aback by the firmness of my unuttered statement. I didn’t want our non-conversation to end – I wanted her to stay. Without thinking I spoke up, finding my old voice after years of silence. It was the voice that wasn’t scared to be heard, that didn’t want to remain invisible – I hoped that Cassie would stop and answer.

  “What did you think of the exam?” My words rushed out in an eager half-jumble. It worked. She paused and turned back, but did not look at me properly.

  What does that mean? So much was inferred by Cassie’s body language, but I was so out of practice at speaking with someone, I had no way to translate any meaning beyond what she actually said.

  “Not too bad really, but who likes exams?” She smiled, shrugging lightly at the same time, as if dismissing her own words.

  Her response felt slightly unnatural, like it was an automatic reply. I was still processing this, when without thinking I blurted out the first thing that came into my head.

  “I quite like them.” I admitted and then shrugged, unconsciously mimicking Cassie’s previous movement before I could stop myself. I was speaking just to fill in the gap and realised that I was saying what I thinking, without pausing to edit. Now, I had to say something more to try and explain myself, but as I hurried on I just knew I was making it worse. “It’s something to do with the pressure I guess – and I kind of enjoy the feeling of testing yourself – ”

  Not the right thing to say, I realised. Cassie’s mouth had dropped open and she stared at me like I was crazy. Even though I regretted my unrevised honesty, I couldn’t leave it alone. My first thought was that I had to make amends, but I wasn’t sure how. This whole experience was highly confusing for me. Cassie’s reactions were not at all predictable.

  “Are you OK?” I asked, finding my voice finally. It was all I had to offer.

  For a few seconds Cassie did not answer. I had to admit, it might have been a lame thing to confess, but I couldn’t see what was so horrendously offensive about liking exams, to justify her continuing shock. Even if Cassie did not agree with me, it was hardly the worst truth I could have told her. I had plenty of others that sounded more crazy than true, even though they were actually real. As Cassie hadn’t left the room, I could only assume that she was planning to respond...at some point.

  “Yes – sorry,” she replied at length, her lips curving into a small contrite smile as she spoke.

  I frowned. Again, I did not understand what she would be apologising for and curiosity was about to force me into asking when she continued.

  “It’s just that I actually do like exams, pretty much for the reason you just said but I’ve never thought that anyone else might feel like that and so I would feel stupid saying it.”

  “Oh right…” I was unsure how to respond to her admission that we had something in common. I certainly had not expected that. Then I heard her words again in my head; she felt the same way I did, but thought that she was stupid for doing so? That didn’t make sense. As I was mulling this over I repeated her words aloud to myself: “…you would feel stupid saying what I said…”

  “No – not stupid,” Cassie interrupted immediately, attempting to explain I thought. “It’s not stupid – it just surprised me to hear you say it, I guess.” She was struggling.

  “You don’t tell people the truth,” I observed, my words sounding brusquer than I had intended them to, although the fact remained: she said one thing but meant another, based on what someone might think of that. It was an interesting reversal of my own behaviour: I stayed quiet and behaved one way, when in reality I wanted to do the complete opposite, based on what people would think. I wanted to run and scream and fight, but I didn’t.

  I was so preoccupied by my private musings on this that when Cassie replied her voice surprised me. I realised I’d spoken aloud – not just inside my head, as I was used to doing – and it had obviously offended her.

  “No – I mean yes – I do tell people the truth. That’s not what I said.”

  Her tone was defensive: she must have heard the bluntness in my unintentional observation and taken it as a criticism of her behaviour. It wasn’t her fault; it was mine. It was a statement of fact uttered by someone who hadn’t conversed with anyone – except himself – for a very long time. How many misunderstandings could you get in one, short dialogue?

  “I didn’t mean to imply that you lied to people.” I tried to clarify my earlier words, finding it hard to meet Cassie’s angry gaze. As I searched my suddenly empty brain for some something more, my nervous fingers sought a diversion and found the strap of my bag as they had before. They began ineffectually fiddling with the plastic clasp, whilst I mumbled and stuttered incoherently. “I just meant that you said something as though it was how you felt when you don’t feel that way at all…I mean…” Words failed me. “Oh forget it, I don’t know what I mean!” I tried to step past Cassie and escape into the empty corridor outside. This whole conversation was a mistake! I berated myself angrily. You’re not right for this place – and you don’t truly believe that she has answers to anything, that you don’t already know. Just stop this nonsense and leave!

  “Don’t worry about it,” I heard Cassie murmur as I passed. She sounded cautious, but forgiving, not annoyed. “I think I know what you meant.”

  My feet paused, ignoring the previous order to leave.

  Was there more for me to consider?

  I had to acknowledge that this young woman had an effect on me. Her anger made me apologetic; her forgiveness made me happy. I smiled slightly, recognising a sensation swelling inside me that had lain dormant for a long time. Then I felt sad, understanding what I had actually become during these last few years of my existence. My quest for the truth overshadowed everything, and everyone.

  The emotions and thoughts I suppressed around others on the station had moulded me into this empty vessel that moved alone through the routine of my daily life. But, the truth of this had eluded me until now. In the presence of this girl, I literally knew that I had been empty, because in that moment I became aware of a peculiar feeling inside me of filling up. Something nervous fluttered vaguely in my abdomen, matching a sensation of expansion in my chest that was not physical, but strangely other. It had taken me years to subdue, but a few short sentences spoken with her and I remembered something human about myself that I had repressed in pursuit of something else.

  Maybe the final answers I sought lay in what I had hidden, and not what I found around me? It was an interesting idea, and one I had certainly not explored before. For this reason alone, it might be worth talking to Cassie.

  “I think I know what you meant too,” I said, feeling oddly confident as I turned back towards Cassie. With my new objective clear, I intended to prolong our encounter as long as possible and ignore the part of my conscience that told me not to.

  “Where are you going now?” I sounded casual, not even having to work at being nonchalant.

  “Now?” She seemed confused, as though she were uncertain of what exactly I was asking of her. I thought it best to clarify.

  “Well – as much as you love examinations, I assume you don’t intend to spend the rest of the day in the assessment room. Do you?” I was teasing her I knew – but it didn’t feel impolite, more comical – another smile began playing cheekily with my lips as I waited for her answer.

  Cassie responded similarly, her tone mocking. “I don’t know – I do really like it in here…”

  To my surprise, I f
ound myself briefly entranced as her green eyes flared brightly on meeting mine, and I had to roll my eyes – acknowledging her joke – to pull myself free of them.

  “I’m heading over to Park 17 – most of the other classes end up there for a bit of a wind down after the last exams.” She said.

  The park…others…her friends… I nodded in understanding.

  Right then, I probably should have walked away. My only reasons for speaking with Cassie were selfish, and it wasn’t fair to use a real, live person as part of an experiment. I hated feeling like that myself, so how could I do it to someone else? I could pretend this was for my own good: that reaching out to someone, one last time, might be beneficial, before I left the Family Quarter forever. That was a lie – and I hated lies.

  Logically, I knew that we could not be friends. Since Scarlett, I had not allowed anyone to get close to me, and now – with what I was planning to do – there was no point. Trying to be friends, for the sake of information, might get Cassie into trouble, or even risk putting her in danger.

  Knowing that all of this was true – why did I not leave right then?

  “Do you mind if I walk with you?” I heard my voice speaking the words. It was an afterthought when I assured myself it was only a walk.

  “Of course,” Cassie accepted.

  I caught myself thinking that her voice sounded eager as she answered. That was even worse: why would I be hoping for that?

  Standing aside in the corridor to make space for her, Cassie stepped out to join me and we walked away from the classroom side-by-side. I found myself glancing at her, examining her features when I believed she wouldn’t see me. Once or twice I thought I noticed her doing the same thing, peeking carefully at me through her curtain of dark hair.

  “Ahhhh,” I sighed loudly. I couldn’t help myself: as we emerged from the dimly lit building into the bright, almost natural daylight of the late afternoon, I felt immediately better.